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The Spirit
(After the Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence, we open on a black-and-white shot of the front door of the studio. NC walks in through it) Narrator (Doug): The studio is my bitch. I will always protect it. Whenever evil comes, I will defend her– NC: (looking around, confused) The shit is that? (There is no answer. After looking around some more in confusion, he continues walking through the studio) Narrator: She is my studio, to put my hand up her skirt as I please– NC: Seriously, what the dicksauce is that? Voice: Hello, Critic. (NC shudders upon seeing...Tamara Chambers in front of the dark blinds, wearing a leather suit, chains, a rifle and holding a woman's shoe) Tamara: As a hot-blooded dame of the night, let's kick this review's ass in the sexiest way possible. (winks) NC: First of all, that's not sexy. That's scary. Tamara: Scary sexy? NC: Scary scary. Second, what the perverted Maltese Mother-Falcon is going on? Tamara: Oh, I know. I thought I'd switch things up today, so I hired a new director: Frank Miller! NC: Wait. Crazy cool Frank Miller or just crazy Frank Miller? Tamara: I don't know. Which one is that? (NC looks aside, and we're shown a bearded man in a hat, who is Frank Miller, played by Doug. Also, he is in color unlike everything else) Miller: Incredible, my fetish goddess, but you didn't show off the swastika on your outfit. Tamara: (observes the band on her hand) What are you talking about? There's no... (realizes it has a Nazi symbol on it and throws it away) WAH! Get that off of me! NC: I knew it. You got the plain crazy one! Tamara: Hey, hey. You don't know. Maybe this is somehow all brilliant. Miller: What are you, dense? What are you, retarded or something? Do you know who the hell I am? I'm the goddamn Frank Miller! (starts jumping and laughing crazily) NC: Nope. It's just crazy. I'll prove it. (He takes out his phone and calls...a man with long hair writing something on his pad. He answers the call) Cool Miller: Hello, crazy cool Frank Miller. NC: Hi. I think we got the plain crazy version of you. Cool Miller: (massages his forehead) Oh, okay. Well, there's only one way to know for sure. Ask him these questions. NC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Got it. (addresses the crazy Miller) ''Hey, Frank. '''Miller:' (turns back to NC, grinning) Goddamn? NC: Why are you in color? Miller: I don't know. NC: Why is she dressed like that? Miller: I don't know. NC: What does any of this have to do with the source material? Miller: I don't goddamn know. NC: (to cool Miller) Yeah, he answered the same to all of them. Cool Miller: I knew it. That's totally crazy me. The best thing to do is not give him any attention. For the love of God, keep him as far away from Jim Lee as possible. NC: Great. (hangs up) Tamara: Wha...I don't get it! I thought Frank Miller was one of the most influential storytellers of our time! NC: Well, he is... Miller: You know, I really should draw the Joker more like Plastic Man and Captain Planet more often. NC: ...Was. (The footage of young Frank Miller and some of his comic book and movie work is shown) NC (vo): Frank Miller was one of the biggest names, if not the biggest name in getting people to realize comic books could be for adults. With his reinvention of classic characters like Daredevil and Batman, gorifying his own gritty style with Sin City and 300, and even inspiring blockbuster hits, some of which he himself directed, this was one hell of a creative force to admire. NC: And then, somewhere, he went cuckoo bananas. Miller: Goddamn cuckoo bananas? NC: If it keeps you far away from me, yes. Miller: I can't promise that. (The covers and pictures from Miller's comics ''The Dark Knight III: The Master Race, Holy Terror, World's Finest Vol 1 285, etc., are shown, followed by a recent picture of Frank Miller himself)'' NC (vo): Both Miller's writing and artwork seemed to suffer greatly due to...nobody really knows. It's practically a cliche now to mock the insanity of his later works. Whether he just went nuts or was always nuts and just hit it better, nobody could deny there was a train to Out-of-your-damn-minds-ville, and he was the one in the driver's seat. NC: And one of his crowning achievements of bonkerism is The Spirit. (The title for the 2008 comic book adaptation ''The Spirit is shown, followed by its clips)'' NC (vo): Based on the 40's comic by Will Eisner, The Spirit tries to go for old-school charm and Satan's school of ethics. So many bizarre choices that nobody but Miller could follow make this an uncomfortable, unfeeling and unrecognizable adaptation of what should be an upbeat adventure (A cover of Eisner's comic that shows the Spirit slapping the woman on her butt and a snippet of another comic showing an Asian taxi driver) with just a hint of misogyny and racism. Hey, maybe Miller was a good choice to direct this! Regardless, many agree not only did it not capture what the original source material was about, but the directions it goes did seem to have no rhyme or reason whatsoever. Are they right? (NC, back in color, returns to his usual desk, but with the Spirit's mask on) NC: Well, strap on your masks that don't seem to hide shit... (Miller is laughing and jumping more crazily than before, like a freaking Daffy Duck) NC: Dammit, Tamara, why did you give him attention?! Tamara: I'm sorry, but he's like a car crash! I can't turn away! NC: (to the camera) This is The Spirit. Miller: (offscreen) Goddamn! NC (vo): The film opens dead on arrival-flat-lining on us-while the credits roll. (After a flash, Lorelei (Jaime King) appears on screen. A bright light is shining on her from the back and makes her look like a shadowy figure) Lorelei: I am death. NC: Damn! Death is a hottie. NC (vo): (as a poster for ''Meet Joe Black is shown)'' I know the ladies got Brad Pitt, but this ain't a bad alternative for guys. NC: (A frame from ''The Seventh Seal ''pops up with a knight playing chess with a shadowy figure with Jaime King's head put on it) I would play strip chess with you any day. (Denny Colt, aka the Spirit, is first shown) NC (vo): It turns out this is a vision that the Spirit is having, as Death stalks him a lot through this movie, because apparently Death has nothing better to do. Though, let's be honest, a woman stalking Gabriel Macht is probably something he is used to. (Detective Sussman, one of the Spirit's allies, calls him via phone) The Spirit (Gabriel Macht): '''Yeah? '''Sussman (Dan Gerrity): Something big is breaking down by the mudflats, Spirit. Word on the street is, the Octopus might be in on it. NC: Okay, problem number one: your villain is called Octopus. (Beat) It's dumb. (A picture of Dr. Otto Octavius with his exoscelleton from Spider-Man 2 is shown) NC (vo): Even films as goofy as Spider-Man 2 knew to call him Doc Ock, because you can take the name as seriously as you can take the name Pazuzu. (Several scenes of the Spirit, the Octopus and the officer from the lake calling the name of the villain are shown, until scenes from the movie ''Exorcist II: The Heretic are played where several people say Pazuzu'') NC (vo): They don't even give him a reason why he's called that through most of the film. Is his calling card (A picture of an anime girl running from an octopus is shown) Tentacle Hentai? NC: '''Hey, trust me. With this film's tone, that would totally fit! '''Sussman: Who knows how far his tentacles spread? NC (vo): The Spirit goes rooftop-hopping about as convincing as Mario Maker... (A scene of the Spirit jumping over the lines are edited with the Mario Jump sound effect is shown) NC (vo): ...as he monologues about his city like it's the MILF he's been waiting for all his life. The Spirit: (narrating) My city. She's not some tarted-up fraud all dressed up like a piece of jailbait. No. She's a old city, old and proud of her every pock and crack and wrinkle. She's my sweetheart, my plaything. NC (vo; chuckles): Okay, so he goes on and on throughout the film about how weirdly aroused he is by this place. But what makes it so funny is that the writing is so bad and so incoherent, it could just as easily come from (picture of...) The Tick. NC: Seriously, listen to these lines and imagine him saying it! (The scene replays with images of the Tick edited in the lower right corner and goofy music from this show) The Tick (voiced by Rob Walker): 'She is not some tarted-up fraud all dressed up like a piece of jailbait. No, she is a old city. Old and proud of her every pock and crack and wrinkle. She is ''my sweetheart, my plaything! '''NC: I'm honestly not convinced this whole thing isn't just one big Tick episode. NC (vo): He doesn't even move that gracefully. He jumps like a drunk swimmer who doesn't know he's on dry land. (Doing his Jerry Lewis voice) Wo-hey-ho, I don't know what I'm doing, somebody catch me! Wha-hoy! (As the Spirit falls, the screen fades to black and a bump is edited into the scene) NC (vo; normal): He comes across a damsel in distress being mugged and saves her just in time. Woman: Who are you? NC (vo; as the Spirit): I am... Oh, shit, this film's so unfocused, even I forgot. Well, this is some awkward film-making. (The Spirit promptly leaves without a word) Joe, can you answer for me? Joe: That's the Spirit. NC (vo; as the Spirit; offscreen): Thank you, Joe! The Spirit: She provides for me, my city does. She gives me everything I need. (As he jumps off another roof, the shot is slowed down) NC: Especially this shot (The cover of ''The Dark Knight Returns and a scene from Sin City with the same jump style are shown)'' that Miller really seems to have a hard-on for. (The Spirit and Sussman meet at the swampland and discover a femme fatale named Sand Saref (Eva Mendes) rising from the water. She shoots Sussman dead) NC (vo): The officer who called the Spirit sees the best makeup to stay on underwater ever, as he is shot and the woman goes back under to complete a robbery. Again, totally underwater, not just a fan in a studio that also keeps gelled hair perfect! Trust me, that will be the least of your concerns when you see Samuel Speedy Gonzales Jackson enter the film. (Octopus, wearing a sombrero, comes out of the water like a hunting alligator and approaches the Spirit) NC (vo; as Octopus, singing to the Jaws theme): Mother...f-er. Mother, f-er, mother, f-er, mother, f-er. NC: Oh, by the way, I'm saying motherf-er, because, get this, you are watching a PG-13 Frank Miller film. NC (vo): Yeah, this film noir has literally no "R", so Miller can't even go all the way with his gore, which was always a big draw with his work. Even a decapitated cop played by Miller gets the puss-out treatment. Octopus: (stands up with the Officer Liebowitz's cut-off head) Heads up! (throws the head, which lands in the Spirit's face, hastily edited and barely shown in the scene) NC: And that's a shame, (A picture of Miller's ''Wonder Woman, which looks pretty stupid and nothing like her well-known design, is edited in the scene)'' 'cause there's a lot of Wonder Woman fans who would love to see that scene in more detail. NC (vo): I think a lot of them are tired of rewinding this scene. (A scene from ''Sin City is shown where a priest (played by Miller) gets shot and the words "Worth killing for" are said by his murderer. Back to the movie)'' NC (vo): The Octopus, played by Jackson, starts fighting the Spirit, while his henchwoman named Silken Floss, played by Scarlett Just-Two-More-Years-Before-I-Do-Real-Comic-Book-Movies-hansson, is nevertheless still giving this performance one-hundred percen- Silken Floss: ''(speaking in a monotone voice)'' Load up the box and pile in, specimens. You've done your petri dishes proud. NC: (after a beat) Eighty percen- Silken: ''(still speaking in a monotone voice)'' No need to wait for the boss if that's the Spirit back there. NC: ''(as an auction overseer in front of a mumbling crowd)'' Okay, do I hear fifty percent? Fifty percent? Fifty percent over here! Do I hear forty? Forty, forty percent? Silken: ''(still speaking in a monotone voice)'' The Octopus always finds his nemesis so distracting. NC: ''(still in his act, after a short beat)'' Forty it is! Do I hear thirty? Thirty percent, thirty? Well, the film is just getting started. I'm pretty sure she can cost even more. (The Spirit comes out of the water he was hiding in to battle the Octopus) NC (vo): After the THIRD "rising out of the water" shot... NC: I'd ask if Miller is aroused by that, but I'm just assuming everything arouses him. NC (vo): '...as they continue to PG-13 the shit out of each other. Apparently, nothing can destroy these two and they don't seem to feel pain, at least, they don't act like they do. So, what should be awesome is basically a boring Itchy and Scratchy cartoon where no one gets hurt. ''(The scene shows the Octopus being beaten over and over again by the Spirit, while an Itchy and Scratchy sketch from The Simpsons'' season 4 episode "The Front" is shown in the corner, where Scratchy is beaten on the head with a hammer by Itchy, saying an disinterested "Ow" and only showing little amount of pain or physical impact, while Itchy gives a short chuckle after every hit)'' '''NC: Oh, not enough like a cartoon? Get a load of this. (The Octopus appears behind the Spirit's back two times) NC (vo; as Octopus): (does the Woody Woodpecker laugh and smashes a toilet on the head of the Spirit)' '''I've got a toilet! ''(The Octopus laughs after that) NC: Well, at least they're visually representing the crap they're in. Octopus: Come on! Toilets are always funny. NC: (deep breath) Usually (An equation "Toilet Emoji = Laughter Emoji" is shown) that mathematical equation is correct, but once again, Miller is really challenging the art of shit. Octopus: '''We're the only two like us, pretty boy. '''The Spirit: '''I'm nothing like you. '''Octopus: '''Nothing like me?! '''NC: '''Actually, we have no idea. We're 16 minutes in... '''NC (vo): ...and we have no idea what the Spirit is like! I know he wants to fondle the city, but if anything, that makes me want to know even less about him. (The Spirit passes out. We cut to Dr. Ellen Dolan, the Spirit's lover who is tending to him) NC (vo): 'He passes out and wakes up to a doctor named Ellen treating his wounds. '''Ellen (Sarah Paulson): '''For God's sake, you can't keep taking these chances! '''The Spirit: '''I'll be fine. '''NC (vo): '''Something in my question, by the way, is the use of color in black and white. '''NC: '''In one of Miller's other films, ''Sin City, ''it's used very cleverly. ''(Clips from ''Sin City with colored characters are shown)'' 'NC (vo): '''A woman named Goldie is literally gold and she has a twin sister (Wendy) who the main character confuses for her, shown through color. There's a man (Roark Junior) who's supposed to stand out like mad because he's yellow, and in a black-and-white world, that really stands out. An assassin says this woman's eyes tell him she's running and has to accept her fate. He kills her and by the end, comes across a main character with colored eyes who also has to face the same fate. '''NC: '''It felt like there was an instinctual reason for the color, even if it wasn't fully explained. ''(Back to ''The Spirit)'' 'NC (vo): '''Here, the color seems beyond random. Anyone can have shades of color on them for no reason. Hell, the black-and-white looks more like brown-and-white half the time, so the color isn't even as eye-catching as it should be. ''(Dorothy Gale and the Wizard of Oz are shown with Roark Junior's face superimposed behind the latter) I feel like I'm watching the opening of Wizard of Oz, except that yellow bastard's suddenly gonna show up! (After the Spirit notices that Sussman stole a locket from the woman who killed him, he opens it and sees pictures of younger him and Sand. We are then shown a sepia tone flashback from Colt and Sand's childhood) '''NC (vo): In fact, this Newsies flashback he (The Spirit) has looks like it's been filtered in dog piss. Speaking of which, in this flashback, he knew a girl named Sand Saref... NC: 'Sounds like a font nobody uses. ''(This name is shown with said font) (Sand sees a jeweled bracelet on a passerby. Pete tries to wrestle a gun away from a robber and accidentally shoots Sand's father; he collapses in devastation and shoots himself in silhouette) '' '''NC (vo): '...who dreams of one day surrounding herself in material goods. But his Uncle Pete gets in trouble, accidentally shooting Sand's dad who happens to be a cop, before taking his own life. '''Reporter: '''So, kids, just how does this make you feel? '''Young Sand (Seychelle Gabriel): '''I hate cops. '''NC: '''Well, that's...confusing. '''Young Colt: '''You didn't mean what you said about... '''Young Sand: '''Will you just leave me alone and just stay away from me? '''Young Colt: '''Just give it a while. '''Young Sand: '''Give it a while? What? What, us? '''Young Colt: '''Well, yeah, that's what I mean. '''NC: ''(Looking around confused)'' Uh, is now really the time to talk about relationship goals? NC (vo): '''You didn't even shed a tear when your uncle died! In fact, how does he (Colt) know what happened?! He wasn't there! '''Young Sand: '''And then some punched-up drunk of an old boxer shoots you dead? '''Young Colt: '''It wasn't Pete! It was that guido, and you know that! '''NC: ''(as young Colt)'' That nobody else saw, including me! It just...looks like he was shot in a guido way. Young Sand: '''I'm gonna go all over the world and I'm gonna become rich. '''Young Colt: '''Fine, do whatever you want, Sand! (Sand walks away towards a red background)'' I don't care about you neither! I never want to see you again! NC: ''(as young Colt)'' Yeah, that's right, you go to your red! I hope that works out for you! (Beat) You and your red! NC (vo): 'But deep in the sewers, we see... ''(After discovering their chest contains the Golden Fleece, not the Blood of Heracles, the Octopus screams and slices a clone henchman (Louis Lombardis) named Mangos in half with the sound of Silken Floss biting down on an apple in the background. NC quietly groans, covering his face with hands) 'NC (vo; wearily): '''Samurai L. Jackson and...Scarlett Kimono-Hansson are disappointed that his clone experiments brought back the wrong case. ''(The Octopus destroys two of his clones with a ninja star thrown at one and an arrow through another one's head) 'Octopus: '''I am sorely disappointed. ''(NC looks despondent with his hands on his face) '''Octopus: ''(audio)'' Alright, you fatheads listening to me? (A clone smiles bizarrely while Octopus and Silken are pacing behind him with a weird red and white background) Octopus: 'Find Sand Saref, find her now. ''(NC still looks despondent before turning to the right) '''NC: So, Frank... Miller: (offscreen) Ah, yeeeeeeees? (NC looks puzzled at what he has to see. We cut to Miller, now dressed as a samurai with a blue-colored kimono decorated with a design containing red and white flowers and a katana in his hands. Tamara wears an identical kimono, but, like before, is complete in black and white, while carrying a black umbrella. After a gong we cut back to NC) NC: ''(cannot believe what he sees)'' Jesus...Okay, I'll admit, I don't know much about The Spirit, but I Googled... (NC pics up his phone before we cut back to Miller who rubs his fingers on the blade of the katana. After doing that two times he realizes that he cut himself badly, which results in him screaming in silence over the pain) NC: ...The Spirit and samurai, and nothing came up. Though, I did find out Katana's backstory (A frame of Katana's design from the comics is shown. NC looks positively surprised by his discovery) and, surprisingly, there is more to her than "She's got your back". Miller: 'Critic, if you can't see why a film noir crime fighter wouldn't use a samurai, ''(Small cut back to NC, who puts his phone away while listening to Miller in disbelief) you also probably can't see why calling someone a fart is a great insult. '''Tamara: '''That's clearly not a great insult. '''Miller: Really? I use it in the movie. (Scene of Silken Floss saying this is shown) Silken: 'What other box, you fart?! '''Tamara: '''Dude, what are you? Four years old? '''Miller: '''No, ''(Holds out his whole hand) I'm this many. '''NC: ''(annoyed)'' Times twelve? Miller: (waves his hand in NC's direction) Times twelve. NC: 'God! ''(In frustration, NC pics up his phone and calls Cool Miller for a second time. Cool Miller picks up the call and seems to know why NC is calling him again) '''Cool Miller: '''You gave him attention, didn't you? '''NC: ''(agitated)'' He's got Samuel L. Jackson as a samurai in The Spirit. I'm sorry, I needed some explanation! (Cut back to Crazy Miller, who now, having learned from his last attempt, rubs the edge of his sword) Cool Miller: ''(rubs his forehead)'' Critic, it's not worth it. You know the one thing he can give that's more terrifying than no explanation? NC: (confused) What? Cool Miller: '''An explanation. '''NC: ''(Shocked and scared by the realization)'' Oh, Christ, you're right. Cool Miller: Just close your eyes and think about how awesome the movie 300 was. NC: ''(sighs in relaxation)'' It was very awesome. Cool Miller: 'In fact, it was so good, maybe that director should also handle my version of Batman, ''(NC looks in shock again after hearing it) the more I think about it. '''NC: (rushed) Don't do that. Gotta go. (He quickly hangs up and puts his phone away, leaving Cool Miller confused) NC: (to Tamara) Having fun? (Cut to Tamara and Miller, who... licks the handle of his katana with a grin that says "I belong in a mental institution") Tamara: I'm confused. What life choices brought me here? (We cut back to the movie, where Sand Saref is talking to the philanthropist in an office) NC (vo): Sand Saref, now played by Eva Mendes, is searching for an ancient treasure because, no joke, it's a shiny thing. Sand Saref (Eva Mendes): (Looking at a suit of armor) The shiny thing to end all shiny things. NC: ''...Dames and bling? '''NC (vo):' She blackmails the philanthropist who betrayed her with incriminating pictures and forces him to hand over all his money. Then, I swear to every known god, I'm not making this up, she xeroxes her ass on the copy machine. (As NC said, she sits on a copy machine, presses the button to copy and a picture of her sitting butt is made) Sand: '''Imagine my surprise when I show up at the drop point and ran smack into the Octopus, making a perfect ass of yourself. '''NC: (Doesn't know how to comprehend that scene) Dames and...mimeograph posteriors for posterity? (We zoom out of the scene with the philanthropist, now having a pistol lying in front of him, and cut to the Spirit and Ellen having a conversation) NC (vo): He shoots himself after losing all his money while the Spirit gets friendly with the doctor from before. Ellen: What's on your agenda tonight? The Spirit: Oh, I don't know. Dinner. Movie. Anything. NC: 'You know, ''(A picture of Miller is shown) for a guy who made fun of the Adam West Batman a lot, he sure is willing to have... '''NC (vo): ...his dark and gritty superhero reenact Archie comics. Or would this be more Betty and Veronica? NC: 'I don't know, I don't read them. And I thought he did! ''(Ellen and the Spirit are making out, but then her father, Commissioner Eustace Dolan, interrupts them in anger) '''NC (vo): The Spirit promises he will be loyal to her, but the father from Wonder Years has other plans. Eustace Dolan (Dan Lauria): Spirit! Front and center! (A line from Freakazoid! is played) Sgt. Mike Cosgrove: (audio) Hey, Freakazoid, wanna get a yogurt? (A rookie officer Morgenstern, who wears a skintight uniform, comes up to the Spirit) Morgenstern (Stana Katic): It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Spirit. (Ellen looks at her in jealousy and then to her father, who has a look that says "You see what I mean?") I'm Morgenstern. Rookie, fresh from Baltimore. NC: ''(as Morgenstern)'' Nah, just kidding. I'm obviously a stripper. NC (vo): But Ellen sees he's in love with every woman he meets. I... don't know why she's shocked. She literally just said that. Ellen: '''You are in love with every woman you meet. '''NC (vo): And he even manages to flirt with the reporters. Reporter: And for the ladies? You know we hang on your every word. The Spirit: '''Thanks for being such amazing, lovely creatures. No two alike. '''NC: ''(as the Spirit)'' Allow me to fix my mask to protect the secret identity I don't have. (The Spirit is now in the office of the dead shadowy remains of the philanthropist, who, as we can see, managed to blow a good chunk of his head off with a simple hand gun) NC (vo): They go to the philanthropist who killed himself, but the Spirit recognizes that ass and shows it around town to see if anyone else recognizes it. NC: ''(throws his arms up and drops them on the desk)'' Oh, that's not a joke, that goddamn happens! (He shows the picture to a man from the Middle East, a doorman and a tiny doorman) NC (vo): He literally shows the picture of the ass to ID her. NC: '''The only thing stupider than that? '''NC (vo): A little person recognizes it. NC: 'Get it? Cause he's small! Though, knowing Frank Miller, every criminal line-up probably looks like this. ''(Cut to a criminal line-up with four female lower bodies in the center of it) '''NC (vo): Tell me this can't possibly get any dumber... (Oh, but it does. As we see in this scene, where the Octopus is in his lab, having created another of his clone henchman. But this one only consists of a small foot with the head of his clone on its upper part. The Octopus looks at this in confusion, while one regular clone and Silken are next to him) Octopus: 'Don't you think that's plain damn weird? ''(The "foot clone" squees as he hops around the table) '''Silken: Yes, sir. Just plain damn weird. (NC holds his head down for a while. After that, he gets the courage to raise his head again and speaks with Miller. But he has his eyes closed, fearing what will happen once he opens them) NC: ''(makes some hand gestures while blind)'' Frank. I want to ask what the point of this was. I want to ask why you thought taking one of your little clone minions and turning him into a tiny foot was necessary to learn more about the characters or story. But I'm afraid if I give you any attention or even look at you, you're just gonna use that attention to act more freaking insane. Am I right? (He actually looks at Miller, who...has turned into a literal footman himself) NC: I was right. (Completely done with the situation he is in) Cut away from him and never cut back! (NC rubs his forehead in despair, before we cut to the commercial break. After that, we see Sand coming out of her shower, only dressed with a towel, and the Spirit looking at her through a pair of handcuffs) NC (vo): So the Spirit finds Sand via butt identification, but she's stepping out of the shower with her hair made up and not the least bit wet. The Spirit: ''(has turned away from a blurred-out, completely naked Sand)'' Put a robe on or something, but no tricks. It's stolen. Sand: ''(Wearing a pretty revealing robe)'' Oh, yeah. NC (vo): Huh, she just slipped that on, huh? NC: 'It's not something you toss on, that's something you glue on. ''(While arresting Sand, the Spirit reveals he knows she is looking for the Golden Fleece, and Sand shoves him through a window) 'NC (vo): '''It looks like she found the treasured vase with the blood the Octopus was looking for, but she tosses the Spirit out, proving once again, what a clumsy dumbass we're supposed to be rooting for. He's so embarrassing, even the movie starts to reject him. ''(The Spirit's cape is hanging on an antler of an Aries gargoyle, and a crowd below him makes fun of him) 'Citizen 1: '''He looks stupid. '''Citizen 2: '''You'll believe a man can't fly. '''Crowd: '''Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! '''NC: '''Isn't this like pointing out that... ''(Cut to an image of Batman with two additional bat ears between the two others, arranged like his head looks like the picture of the spork that is put next to it) '''NC (vo): ...Batman's head kinda looks like a spork? NC: '''Do you really wanna actively make yourself look more lame? '''NC (vo): And, believe it or not, it gets even lamer. (The Spirit takes out his belt which leaves his pants fall down to his ankles. He then tries to swing himself to the window where three women are laughing at him. He manages to jump on the elevator, standing in front of the women with his underpants exposed) NC: ''(rests his head on his hand)'' Why do I feel like this is how they find Miller every Thursday night? NC (vo): He gets a lead, though, and heads over to the Octopus's hideout. (The Spirit is positioned on a roof above an armed clone) The Spirit: ''(narrating)'' All the enemy has is guns and knives. My entire city is my weapon. (He throws a snowball on a surprised clone) NC: '''Well, snow is more part of the elements, but whatever gets you and the city to third base. '''NC (vo): He jumps in the sewer and comes across Johansson. Could this be a trap? (sarcastic voice) No, no, it's just a woman who is dressed nice in the sewers, who wants to make out with you... Oh, wait, it was a trap. (Silken kisses the Spirit, injecting him an anesthetic. We cut to a black background with a line of snow and a completely white cat, which looks to the right after a bump sound is heard, which was the knocked-out Spirit) NC: 'You know, this guy is like Dick Tracy, except you take out the Tracy, so all you have is dick. ''(Cut back to Ellen and her father in the latter's office. Ellen looks worried about the Spirit) '''NC (vo): Meanwhile, Ellen and her dad discuss her future with the Spirit. Because that's what we wanted to see when our hero's in peril. Eustace: '''He's a goddamn menace, and my own daughter is in love with him. You were so much happier in the old days with Danny. '''NC: (reminiscing) Yeah, he was pretty charming. (Cut to Danny from The Room who has a "romantic" dialog with Lisa) Danny (Greg Sestero): '''You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you? '''NC: No, wait, he was disturbed. Lorelei: ''(appears out of nowhere in her realm)'' I can feel you. NC: 'You know, Death, is there really nothing better you can do? There's no ''Bill and Ted movie you can cameo in? (The Spirit regains his consciousness) '''NC (vo): Spirit wakes up tied to a chair, as out comes... I don't know, a belly dancer. (There actually appears a belly dancer named Plaster of Paris, an assassin played by Paz Vega, out of the curtains and dances in front of a tied up Spirit) NC: ''(throws his hands up again and chuckles) Yeah, why the hell not? '''NC (vo):' ...and starts dancing for him. Because now I think we can jump to the conclusion that all of this film is for Miller's own personal video collection. He just wanted to see if he can make money out of it, too. P.S.: he couldn't. (The box office shows a weak 39 Million USD. Editor's note: the production budget of this movie was 60 Million USD) The Spirit: ''(addressing the audience directly)'' I've known some pretty strange women in my time, some darn strange women. NC: ''(shrugs)'' Sure. We're an hour in. Might as well start talking to the camera now. NC (vo): And just when you think... No, that's it. This movie is so bad, it actually stops your thinking. NC: But just when your thinking starts to return... (The belly dancer makes room for the main attraction. Headlights go on, revealing a swastika on the curtain while the German national anthem starts playing. And after another headlight flashes on the entrance, the Octopus appears dressed as...a Nazi officer during World War II, with Silken entering a few moments later, dressed the same way) Octopus: '''Death! Death, Death, Death. '''NC: ''(leaning back in his chair, his face buried in his hands)'' This...is happening, people! NC (vo): I don't know what pile of psychedelic frogs they set on fire and inhaled, but its effects are clearly standing before you. Samuel L. Jackson is now a Nazi. For no conceivable reason whatsoever. And he has to go along with it like it makes all the sense in the world to him. Octopus: 'We eat, so we don't die. We mate, so that our seed will live on. '''NC: '''Just look at... ''(It is shown that Silken looks deadpan throughout the scene. We even zoom in to get a better view of that) '''NC (vo): ...Johansson throughout this scene. She's totally dead inside. Even she can't believe she's standing where she is, next to whom she's with, wearing what she's wearing. How the hell did Miller convince Jackson to do this? NC: ''(Waits for something to happen and looks around when nothing is happening)'' I was...kind of expecting Malcolm to come out to do something as Samuel Jackson, you know. (Cut to Tamara and Miller, still in kimonos) Tamara: Yeah, he's out of town this weekend. NC: 'Oh, that's right, I totally forgot. Well, maybe we can get someone else to... play...him... ''(stops, once he has realized that Miller, who happily volunteers, is the only option he has) No, that's a bad idea! (takes out his phone) I'm just gonna give him a call. '''Miller: ''(looks upset) I still have the Nazi uniform. '''Malcolm (via phone): Hello? NC: Malcolm, can you please play Samuel L. Jackson as a Nazi? Malcolm: (after a pause, already given up) Sure. NC: '''Wonderful. I've got Frank Miller here and... '''Malcolm: '''Crazy cool Frank Miller? '''NC: '''Just plain crazy Frank Miller. '''Malcolm: '''Okay. '''NC: '''And he's gonna act out the scene with you. Go! '''Miller: '''Sam, Jackie, baby. I want you to wear a Nazi uniform. '''Malcolm: ''(in his Jackson voice)'' Cracker, you out of your damn mind?! Miller: '''But it will be great satire and that nobody will understand it, so nobody will question it. '''Malcolm: ''(still in his act)'' You must be damn crazy if you... Miller: 'You know what? This doesn't feel right. ''(addresses NC) Could you possibly make him goose-step? (NC, perplexed by this, imitates goose-steps with his phone) '''Malcolm: ''(still in his act)'' You must be damn crazy if you think I'm gonna do this. (Miller approves of these goose-steps) Snakes on a Plane had more dignity. I'd rather do another credit card commercial! Miller: You know what, that's not feeling right either. Do you feel this scene needs more foot people? I feel it needs more foot people. Does anyone else feel like this needs more foot people? NC: ''(done with this act)'' Why the hell am I taking direction from you? Malcolm: ''(normal voice)'' I ask that every shoot. NC: 'Shut up, Malcolm! ''(hangs up) This scene is so crazy, no sketch could possibly capture its madness! '''Miller: I bet my sketch could. (Another one of Miller's more questionable later works is shown next to him) I've really gone downhill as an artist. NC: 'You know, dammit, Tamara, where'd you find him anyway? '''Tamara: '''He was sucking air out of my tires. ''(Miller nods to that story) (Back to ''The Spirit)'' '''NC (vo): We discover the Spirit's backstory, as he was originally a shot-up rookie cop named Danny. But he was given the same invincible formula Octopus took, so he came back from the dead and visited Ellen's father. (In the flashback, the survived Colt is talking with Eustace, as he is constantly in the shadows, so we don't see his facial features) Colt: I'm something else now. I could be the city's protector, its...its... Eustace: '''Its spirit. '''NC: ''(as Danny with the rough voice of the Spirit)'' Nah, that's stupid. I was gonna say "Zombie Jesus". NC (vo): 'So, wait. If Ellen's dad knows the Spirit is Danny, why does he talk nice about Danny, but hate the Spirit? '''NC: '''This film is as consistent as Gollum's wedding vows. ''(A frame of Gollum from ''Lord of the Rings with his friendly face and his menacing face is shown. On the side of the friendly face is "I DO" written in yellow letters, while on the menacing side stands a big red "NOT")'' (We cut back to Octopus and Silken speaking to the Spirit) '''NC (vo): The Octopus says, once he drinks Heracles' blood, he'll become immortal. A god. And for no reason at all, he kills a cat named Muffin. (The cat drinks some kind of toxin, which causes its body to liquefy and to flush down a drain, while the Octopus laughs at this. Only its eyes aren't affected, which are lying still in the sink, looking straight at the Spirit, who watches this in discomfort) NC (vo): As if that wasn't weird enough, this is the only character Spirit actually gets emotional about. Muffin. The Spirit: 'The cat... She is all the reason I need. I will kill you. ''(The Octopus gives him a look that really says: "Oh... Wait, are you serious?") 'NC: '''Even Jackson is like... '''NC (vo; as Octopus): '"Really? That's what did it for you? Didn't your uncle die and your cop friend... Wha...this is the one that sends you over the edge?" (normal voice) Look at him! It's all in that one expression! 'NC: '''Well, if that's not bad enough progress, it ''is the only pussy he ever gave a shit about. (The Plaster of Paris returns with a huge saber and dances into the direction of the Spirit) 'NC (vo): '''So the belly dancer is gonna chop him up and separate his body, but he speaks French. ''(He says something in French and this causes the Plaster of Paris to lower the saber) '''NC (vo): ...that's apparently enough to win somebody over. (The Plaster of Paris cuts the ropes and helps the Spirit kick the Octopus) NC: 'Well, Pepè le Pew is clearly doing something wrong, if that's all it takes to get a woman. ''(A screenshot of Pepé le Pew holding the hands of the unfortunate feline that tries to get away from him is shown) 'The Spirit: '''This is for Sand! ''(punches the Octopus) This is for me! (gives the Octopus another punch in the face) And this one's for Muffin! (swings around and gives the Octopus a roundhouse kick in the stomach) '''NC: ''(as a picture of a bride with Muffin's face edited above the head is shown)'' Was Muffin your fiancee?! What is up with this relationship?! (The belly dancer and the Spirit escape the sewers, make out once they reach the surface and the Spirit gets stabbed and left for dead) NC (vo): 'Just as sporadic as the belly dancer saving him, the belly dancer also stabs him in the back*, apparently saying it's for Sand. I don't freaking follow it, but I did just see Samuel L. Jackson as Colonel Klink, so I should really be used to not getting answers. ''(*Editor's note: The Spirit wasn't stabbed in the back, he was stabbed trough his stomach and the blade came out of his back after passing his whole body. It's a small mistake, but a mistake nonetheless) 'NC (vo): '''This is followed by...guess who. ''(A dramatic beat plays as Lorelei appears on screen) '''Lorelei: You are close now. NC: ''(annoyed by her)'' I am sick to you of you. (Lorelei leans over the Spirit's face and after that, both of them embrace and share a kiss, before he leaves her again and returns into the world of the living) NC (vo): '''At least this time, Spirit thinks of calling it in and giving up to Death's horny embrace. But then he remembers any woman he kisses he has to abandon, so he leaves Death once more. '''Lorelei: '''No! Not again! '''The Spirit: ''(narrating)'' They need me. Lorelei: '''You won't escape me forever. '''NC: ''(as the Spirit)'' I am the man slut! (Cut to the Spirit in the hospital bed. Ellen is sitting next to him) NC (vo): '''He wakes up in a hospital, though, with Ellen again tending to his wounds. '''The Spirit: (directly after coming to his senses) Octopus! (Another line from ''Freakazoid! is played once Eustace catches up to the Spirit)'' Sgt. Mike Cosgrove: ''(audio)'' '''Hey, Freakazoid, wanna go out for a mint? '''The Spirit: Somebody get me a tie! And it sure as hell better be red! NC: ''(as the Spirit)'' No shirt, just a tie. It adds to my horniness! (We see Sand in a belly dancer-like outfit leaving a plane to make a deal with the Octopus, when Silken comes in front of the delivery van with a gun aimed at her. Then Sand's bodyguard Mahmoud, played by Eric Balfour, enters the scene with a gun and the vase with the blood of Heracles, before the Octopus and his armed clone henchmen arrive) NC (vo): '''He (the Spirit) comes up with a plan to catch the Octopus, who is meeting up with Sand to collect the vase. '''Octopus: ''(is dressed in some sort of winter coat)'' Nobody goes anywhere. (to Silken) Fetch me that vase, please. NC: ''(leans his head with his thumb and index finger)'' Predicting what Jackson's gonna look like in every scene is like predicting what costume... (The current scene of the movie is shown with some of Bugs Bunny's disguises added in the upper corner. The disguises are a woman in a green robe, a gentleman in a coat and cylinder, a bearded man in a coat and cylinder and a woman in winter clothes for expeditions in the Antarctic) NC (vo): '...Bugs Bunny's gonna wear. Guaranteed laughable and, for some reason, nobody questions it. ''(The Spirit snaps his fingers and gets covered in headlights, which makes him look similar to Lorelei. The Octopus shoots at him, but that doesn't affect him) 'NC (vo): '''The Spirit shows up with the cops, and the Octopus tries shooting him, even though he knows it does nothing. '''Octopus: '''I'm the Octopus. ''(pulls out two shotguns with four barrels per gun) I got eight of everything. (fires eight shots out of them) '''NC: ''(confused by that statement)'' Is that why he's called that? There were no examples of it before. NC (vo): 'Does that mean he has eight Nazi uniforms, eight sombreros, eight ''Afro Samurai cosplays? 'NC: '''I think it would actually make more sense to call him ''(A picture of Jackson's character Major Marquis Warren from...) The Hateful 8. 'NC (vo): '''The cops come in, though, leading to this...really weird shot. ''(One of the officers steps on the camera, which leads to pitch black shot with a white footprint in it) '''NC: ''(just accepts it)'' I gotta give him credit for finding new and creative ways to explore stupid. (As the Octopus desperately tries to drink the Blood of Heracles, Morgenstern appears and shoots at him) NC (vo): 'But the rookie cop (Morgenstern) fires her big-ass gun at him, causing smoke debris that's shaped like an octopus. '''NC: '''It's symbolic because this movie's blowing smoke up your ass. ''(The Spirit rises and blows up the Octopus with a hand grenade. He then gives Sand her locket back) 'NC (vo): '''Spirit and Sand deliver the finishing bad effect and they give a victory kiss. Right in front of Ellen. ''(Spirit and Sand are kissing very passionately, while the camera moves around them and triumphant music plays. Ellen cannot take this anymore and leaves) '''NC: ''(as Ellen)'' Well, fool me twenty times, shame on you. Fool me twenty-one times...I still love him. (After they finally stop sucking faces...) The Spirit: Goodbye, Sand. Sand: 'Goodbye, Danny. '''NC (vo): '''Yes, that was just a "goodbye eating her mouth and feeling her up" kiss. '''NC: '''It means nothing, like this movie. ''(The Spirit follows Ellen through the steam, but he gets caught by her dad. Another line from ''Freakazoid plays)'' '''Sgt. Mike Cosgrove: (audio) Hey, Freakazoid, wanna go see a bear ride a motorcycle? Eustace: Is that Saref? The Spirit: '''Give me this one, Dolan, and just let her go. '''NC (vo): '''So, of course, he tries to explain himself, once again, to Ellen. '''The Spirit: ''(After giving her an embrace from behind)'' It's you I love, baby. With all my heart. Ellen: '''Yeah, me and every other woman you meet. '''NC (vo; as the Spirit): ''(defensive)'' That's not true... (seductive, to Morgenstern) Hey, baby. Morgenstern: 'You are amazing. ''(We then cut, pretty much randomly, to a train passing by the rising sun, while the Spirit picks up a cat on a roof) '''NC (vo): '''And yeah, that's pretty much where it ends. He admits once more that no one can have his heart but the city. His dick is another story, but his heart belongs to architecture. '''The Spirit: ''(narrating)'' '''I can never give my heart to anyone but her. She owns me, body and soul. She is the love of my life. '''NC: '''Muffin. '''The Spirit: ''(narrating)' 'My city. '''NC: '''Bullshit. You're Muffin's bitch and you know it! ''(The sunny background turns to black, the Spirit turns completely white and the credits of the movie start) NC (vo): 'And that was ''The Spirit. '''NC: By God, I pray the comic was nothing like that. (Clips of the movie play out while NC gives his final thoughts) NC (vo): 'It looks nice, I guess, but all I can think about is how much it looks like ''Sin City, which doesn't match whatever the hell tone and style this movie is going for. Every character is either an archetype or has no real identity. I don't know why the Spirit does what he does, I don't know why the Octopus does what he does, nobody has any real motivation. The characters and, therefore, the film have no reason to exist. They're just weird puppets that do weird things for seemingly no reward. Frank Miller has been a game changer in the past and, hopefully, his work in the near future will again reflect that. But as from material like this, it's unlikely it's gonna be inspiring many anytime soon. 'NC: '''I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remem... ''(He suddenly gets shot before he can even stand up. A cut reveals that Miller, now dressed in his casual clothes again, shot him with a shotgun) '''NC: (in dying pain) Wh...why did you do that?... (Beat) Miller: I don't know. (Miller rolls his tongue at him and runs off, while the famous Roadrunner sound effect plays over it. NC succumbs to his injuries and...stands in front of Lorelei (Tamara) in a black background. Her hair is blown by the wind. The lines from here on are dubbed over the actors, who react like they have a normal conversation, but their lips don't move simultaneously to the dialogue) Lorelei: 'Behold, Critic. ''(NC raises his head in wonder) I am Death. I have come... (spits out her hair that came in her mouth) Oh. I have come to... (spits again while NC doesn't know why she makes it this complicated) Oh. And take you into the afterlife... (Spits again) Ugh! 'NC: '''You know, you could do this a lot easier if you just turn off the fan behind you. ''(She does it and feels much better, while the dreadful music changes into an angelic choir) 'Lorelei: '''Whoa, that ''is better. (NC nods) Oh, my God, I have no idea why I've been using that thing for so long. Thank you, Critic. '''NC: '''It...seemed pretty obvious. '''Lorelei: '''As a reward, I will not kill you and grant you one request. '''NC: ''(thinks for a moment)'' Umm... I guess next week, I'd like to review the anti-version of this film. You know, a superhero who's also invincible, is supposed to be funny, breaks the fourth wall. However, this one will be in a big hit, and it would still be challenging to review. Lorelei: 'Can it have a Celine Dion song? '''NC: '''Well, that goes without saying. ''(The credits roll) ''Channel Awesome tagline ''- '''The Spirit: And this one's for Muffin! 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